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![]() What is going on with my emotions? OMG all over the place lately. I know what it is and yes this is a whining post but it needs to come out so I don't eat it and gain even more weight. I am slowly slipping into a deep depression and I hate it. I so don't want to feel like this. A bit part of my problem is I HATE my job. I am stuck,, yes I know, be happy I have a job but no matter where I work at I am not happy and hate it. I know what it is I want to do and no matter how hard I try to reach it, just not happening. I know this is going to sound lazy but I honestly just want to stay home, I love taking care of the home but financially can't afford it. I am trying to get a home business going but I can't share it right now because I am not even sure it will ever come into reality. I just feel like I am too old to not know what it is I want to be when I grow up. I watch everyone around me achieve their dreams and I am happy for them but truth be known, my heart aches a bit because I feel so let down by myself and wonder why I can't do anything successfully. I refuse to give up but at this point, just don't know how to go forward as well. I know my friends are tired of hearing me whine and I feel myself withdrawing further into my own sadness and pretending I am ok because I don't ever want anyone wish they weren't my friend or hide from me because I am such a downer. I am frustrated, irritable and even I don't want to be around me. With all that I still will not give up,, just lost in the woods right now.
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![]() I am saddened that we lost an outstanding actor, but most of all I am saddened that his depression (and addictions that went along with it) got him into such a dark place that he didn't see a way out. I am passionate about this because for YEARS I hid my depression and anxiety because of all the stigma that is placed on it. I have been reading horrible remarks, (along with some very sentimental and heartfelt ones as well) about how he took the easy way out and that he is going to hell for it. This angers me on so many levels I don't even have the words to express it. First of all, depression is a illness so if someone dies of cancer does that mean they go to hell? Second of all, depression (that is mental and not environmental) is a chemical imbalance of the brain. It is an insult to hear people say he or anyone deserves to go to hell for being a coward. If you think living with depression is a sign of weakness I beg you to educate yourself. It can take every ounce of bravery one has to even get out of bed sometimes. I have to force myself to go to work and deal with people when all my anxiety wants me to do is stay inside and avoid the world. Do I deserve to go to hell because my brain has an imbalance and sometimes no amount of medicine or even the loving care of others can't "snap me out of it?" It pisses me off when I get told "get over it" can anyone with an illness just get over it?????? Why is depression treated like it is just something that can be easily controlled? When your curled up in a corner and see the world as dark and horrible and you may have an addiction (which a lot of people with depression tend to have as a coping mechanism) you feel the world would be better off without you. I guarantee you Mr. Williams felt like he let others down or he just will never be happy. That is a place ladies and gentlemen that I hope and pray you never get to.
with that said, there is help out there, the biggest problem is we hide our illness, we are embarrassed and think we can deal with it on our own. This is so not true and needs to change. When I finally admitted it to everyone who mattered to me, guess what? They stood by my side,, they didn't abandon me or shun me, they accepted me. There are many treatments out there, I have been on medication and it does help, I now control it through vitamins and a lot of self help. I am learning to reach out and talk to others when I start to have dark feelings because what scares me the most is, I could very easily find myself questioning my existence on earth and if I didn't have the love of my friends and family I don't know what would happen in that moment. I have absolutely no plans on ever committing suicide, but I am also educated enough to know that if you don't reach out and constantly work on your demons they will eat you up alive and that is something I am well aware of and I beg anyone who may not feel like they have anyone, you can ALWAYS contact me.. email me and I will help you. If you need to talk on the phone, I will call you. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. NO one should ever be made to feel embarrassed and be made to feel their illness is a stigma. It really is discouraging to wake up and not feeling as positive as I have been recently. I soon realized it was cloudy out and as always it effects me 95% of the time. I wonder what makes the mind constantly look at the dark side of everything? My mind will say things like "Blah, don't want to do wash". "Blah, have to go work tomorrow". "Blah, I am so fat". "I am stupid, fat, ugly". I refuse to let these thoughts get to me today. I will say my affirmation hundred times today If I need to. Life is too short to constantly criticize myself. I need to stop, step back and enjoy each moment that goes by today. I hope it does rain, we need it desperately. ![]() This quote has really made me think today. This is something I am finally doing. For years and years I tried to please and impress others which often led me to take on a personality I just wasn't. I wanted to please others so much that I would act the way I thought they wanted me to. All that did to me in the end was kill my spirit and make me even more lost when it came to figuring out who I am. I consider myself a good person and I always try and be the best person I can be. If others can't see that or that doesn't match their personality, then I need to learn that is ok. We all can't like everyone. As much as I want everyone to like me, it is ok if they don't. I am learning who I am and trying everyday to live my life according to my own standards, not someone elses. I don't need to convince or impress anyone and if that is not good enough for them then oh well,, move on. Those who are meant to be in my life will stay and those who are fake will move along and that is not a bad thing. Afterall, I am who I am nothing more.
![]() I woke up and realized I was in a good mood! FINALLY! I didn't have to convince myself to have a good day at work, I simply said "It's going to be a good day." I think saying those affirmations daily in front of the mirror is working! I love that I didn't have to convince myself, I just knew it. I will not give up and will continue saying them every day and every evening. I ate well today,, ok almost well, didn't have breakfast but I did have lunch,, which I am so proud of myself, I wanted WENDY'S and I absolutely told myself "NO" and I drove home. I was mad, which I knew I would be but soon that feeling turned to pure pride as I had a healthy wrap for lunch! For dinner I had a delicious garlic wheat pasta dish I love and kept it a normal portion control. I also had 10 1/2 cups of water today to make it to my daily goal. I am in control and I will not let those little voices who want me to fail win. As I settle down and ready for bed I will say my affirmation and know tomorrow will be another good one!
![]() I think my positive thinking is working,, it feels good to have good thoughts more than negative ones. Was it easy? No. I have to work on it,, as soon as I have a negative thought, I immediately addressed it. Just because I have a negative thought does not mean it has to control my whole day. I also am coming to see that even if something seems bleak, there is always a positive to find in any situation. This remains tough for me since I don't take stress well if it all piles up on me to fast. The only thing I can do and seemed to work for me today was take each moment as it came,, when I started to think about tomorrow and my job, I immediately stopped myself and focused on the hear and now. I went to the mirror, said my affirmation, and move on. I call this a success and that is all I can ask for. I know tomorrow will be just as good =)
![]() After a rough week with giving up soda, I believe I made a huge step in my journey. YAY! I first want to say if you drink anything that has Aspartame, I encourage you to stop! I want you to take a moment and read this article Side effects of Aspartame it really opened up my eyes,, I am no doctor and do not (uh oh I think that is a double negative,, hmm oh well I always stunk when it came to proper English) pretend to be and if you have any of the symptoms you should still see your doctor because many things can have the same symptoms. Isn't it scary? I couldn't believe how many of those problems I had. I am so over diet coke 5 days sober and my legs have gone way down and my orange size ankles have gone down to lemons,,not gone but in time with losing more weight and exercise, I know I can get them to be gone for ever!,, Now, I can't say I will never ever have one on occasion but I will never ever go back to everyday! Read my lips "no more aspartame for me (course you have to have our exceptions built in!) . FYI check labels, "sugar free" could and most often contains Aspartame. Equal also is Aspartame. I had a better week of eating,, no perfect but far better than I have been. I am getting breakfast in more often but I know it needs to be everyday so that is a goal for next week. I added more protein to every meal in hopes to up my protein,, eating healthy can leave you low on points and if your not careful too much fiber and not enough protein,, so I am hoping to level it out. I haven't decided on what type of recipes for next week but stay tuned I will be announcing them here Dawnseatstreatsandlife. OK on to the big news and the weigh in,, drum roll please....-4.8lbs down yes that is minus 4.8 folks,,, I cried,, I FINALLY made it over that hump. I know it may be water since my legs have gone way down but I haven't been able to even let go of that, so this is a huge triumph! Tooting my own horn, toot toot =) Since I added my affirmation in with my weight in I will add it here too! ![]() I started out with wanting to stop diet coke on the very bottom but with perseverance I made it to the top.. You know what? You can too! I have been drinking diet coke for well over 20 years. If I can stop that you can stop one bad habit or work on a goal you are reaching for. I am so ready to move on to my next challenge and I took one giant step forward on my journey today,,
Happy 4th of July to you all and Bless all our Military men (past and present) for without you, we wouldn't have the freedom to celebrate it! Maybe not a true blog but oh my, only one word left to say, Yum!
![]() After a rough emotional week I am finally starting to feel more positive. I am starting to learn it is ok to care about myself and not focus so much on what others opinions are about me. It is ok to do things for myself even if no one else validates it.. I don't need others validation. Now don't misunderstand me,, I am all about getting and receiving support, but there is a difference in getting support and getting validation. Getting support from others is an added bonus as you work on whatever goal your trying to reach, but that doesn't mean you can't reach it on your own,, just means the journey is a little less lonely and you get encouragement, and giving it as well, along the way. I am finally getting it. I am worth every effort and if I wait for others to say "go" your worth it, then I am cheating myself from really getting to know who I am and what I can accomplish with my own free will. A person who truly supports another person only enriches their life. Never should anyone put their self worth in someone else's hands, never should you give that power away. That only leads to toxic friendships and no one needs toxic people in their life. I wish I could hold onto this feeling forever,, and will continue to make goals to get myself there because I am worth it.
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